Most people don’t have a true understanding of their own bodies, psyches or the deeper spiritual mechanics that shape their sexuality. This lack of understanding is not accidental but rather a consequence of a society that has distorted the very nature of sexuality to such an extent that we now live in a world of extremes. On one end, there are those who believe they are being rebellious or independent by treating their bodies as objects to be shared freely with anyone who is willing to have sex, exchanging themselves for affection – in reality, they are trading their wounds for a temporary anesthetic. On the other end, we find those with rigid moral stances who have misunderstood more profound concepts and confuse superficial ideas of morality with deep, authentic principles of self-respect. These individuals often focus on the surface and enforce strict codes of conduct born out of fear, ignorance or a desire to feel elevated without actually doing the work of looking in – only to end up repressing their natural desires, which leads to private behaviors that can be far more damaging and depraved. As a result, we see that both extremes – unrestrained promiscuity and rigid moralism—ultimately serve the same destructive purpose: they abuse the body, split the psyche and destroy the spirit. Neither path offers a healthy, fulfilling relationship with one’s sexuality.
As sex educator and therapist Dr. Laura Berman states, “Sexuality is a natural and essential part of human life, yet it’s often the subject of shame, guilt, and misunderstanding, both personally and culturally.”
Our society’s portrayal of sex through pornography, movies and even the mainstream media feeds into this confusion. These depictions emphasize superficiality and objectification, ignoring the emotional, psychological and spiritual components of human sexuality. As a result, many people come to believe that their value is defined by their sexual desirability or their ability to conform to a certain sexual norm.
This fragmentation of body, mind and spirit is pervasive, and its effects are wide-reaching. People, especially young people, are led to believe that sexuality is simply about pleasure, conquest or conformity, when in reality, it is far more complex and interconnected with our sense of self, our relationships and our overall well-being. According to Dr. Alexandra Katehakis, a clinical sexologist and psychotherapist, “Sexual health is not just the absence of disease, but the ability to engage with one’s sexuality in a way that is nurturing and affirming to oneself and others.” – She highlights that true sexual health involves understanding and integrating the many facets of our sexuality, including our physical sensations, emotional needs and spiritual connections.
When we don’t receive proper education about our bodies, and when the cultural narratives surrounding sex are distorted, we are left to navigate this complex terrain on our own, often without the guidance or tools needed for healthy sexual development. This lack of understanding can lead to a variety of emotional and psychological issues, such as feelings of inadequacy, anxiety and confusion, all of which are exacerbated by the unrealistic portrayals of sex that flood our media.
The result is that many individuals experience sex and intimacy through a lens of shame, guilt, or fear, rather than as an opportunity for connection, self-expression, and pleasure. This distorted relationship with sexuality prevents us from fully embracing our bodies, nurturing our emotional well-being, and fostering deep, meaningful connections with others.
In this article, I will explore some of the most common myths about sex that I have encountered during Integrative Tantric Counseling (ITC is a mix of Carl Jungian Psychotherapy, Shamanism, Alchemy & traditional Tantra). These misconceptions not only limit our capacity for sexual pleasure, but also create unnecessary pressure and anxiety in our relationships. My hope is that by shedding light on these myths, I can help you begin to reframe your understanding of sexuality, so that you can cultivate a more authentic, fulfilling experience of your body, desires and intimate connections…free from the burdens of cultural distortion (which vary culture to culture) and harmful beliefs of false self rebellion or self-repression, which only accumulate unnecessary pain.
Myth 1 – One of the most damaging myths about sex is the belief that we should just know what to do. This idea suggests that we’re born with an innate ability to be skilled lovers, to know exactly how to please our partners and create the perfect sexual experience. And if we don’t instinctively know how to turn our partners on, then somehow, something must be wrong with us. This myth is not only unrealistic, but it’s also deeply harmful. We’re constantly bombarded by media messages – whether it’s articles about “how to drive your lover wild” or idealized portrayals of sex – that set impossible standards and leave us feeling inadequate, especially when we feel too embarrassed or insecure to discuss our concerns.
In truth, just as some people have a natural flair for cooking, dancing, or sports, others may take longer to build confidence and learn the skills needed to navigate their sexuality. But the beautiful thing is that anyone can learn, grow, and improve in these areas with time, patience, and practice. Sexuality is no different. There’s so much to discover and explore…what excites you? What are you curious about? The possibilities are endless.
Whether you choose to do proper research, take a class, read a book or watch educational videos, there are countless resources available to help you build a deeper understanding of your body, desires and how to connect with others in a more fulfilling way. And if you’re feeling stuck or unsure, sexual coaching can be a powerful tool in overcoming barriers to intimacy, confidence and pleasure.
Myth 2 – The idea that sex always involves penetration and that anything else doesn’t count as ‘real’ sex is a deeply ingrained myth that limits our understanding of intimacy. This narrow definition of sex places undue pressure on individuals and couples to reach a specific “end goal,” often leaving them feeling unfulfilled or inadequate if penetration doesn’t occur. But when we expand our definition of sexuality and what sex is, we begin to appreciate the vast spectrum of sensual and sexual pleasure that exists beyond just genital contact. Sex is so much more than what we’ve been taught to believe. It’s not defined by a particular act, but by the connection, pleasure and exploration we share with ourselves and others.
Sexual pleasure can take many forms, from a sensual touch to a meaningful conversation, from a head massage to oral sex – it’s about the experience, the connection and the joy it brings, not whether or not genital contact is involved. As long as it’s consensual and pleasurable, it counts. When we allow ourselves to embrace a broader, more inclusive understanding of what sex is, we open ourselves to deeper, more fulfilling experiences…free from rigid expectations. Ultimately, true sexual expression is about discovering what feels good for you and your partner, in all its forms.
Myth 3 – Sex always finishes with ejaculation and orgasms and if it doesn’t then you have somehow ‘failed’: This is usually combined with myth two and the pressure to have a full erection. Research suggests that up to 75% of women don’t orgasm through penetration. Not all men ejaculate and orgasm. Ejaculation and orgasms are part of the spectrum of sexual activities that we can experience but when you feel you always ‘should’ end with them, it can create pressure and anxiety – not pleasure. You can have a fulfilling sexual experience without either.
Myth 4 – Your sexual arousal ‘should’ continue to increase until you orgasm/ejaculate: Our cultural model of sexual arousal is based on the way that early sexologists defined male arousal. You get aroused, you enjoy your arousal which builds and builds until you get to the point of no return and you have an orgasm/ejaculation. This can be associated with expectations that your arousal will also get stronger and stronger and that you need to go faster and faster to achieve this. This can be pleasurable however we have taken this stereotypical view and applied to everyone. We all try and fit our arousal into this restricted model which limits how we experience our sexual pleasure. There are however various approaches to sexuality, which are seldom explored and which provide far more pleasure than the traditional method.
Our pleasure can increase but also, it naturally ebbs and flows, as do erections. Our emotions, health, relationships, stresses, motivations, sexual stimuli on the day, all affect our sexual arousal, as does our knowledge of our bodies and how our own arousal is generated and cultivated. It may be that you choose not to have an orgasm/ejaculation. It may be that your arousal feels softer and more relaxed and you want to go slowly. There are many more possibilities for our pleasure if we let go of how we perceive our arousal ‘should’ be.
Myth 5 – You should always know what your partner/s want: This myth could be described as “telepathic sex,” where we’re expected to read our partner’s mind and instinctively know exactly what they want and how they like it. This approach, however, often leads to misunderstandings and frustration. In reality, we can’t truly know what our partner desires unless we ask them – this is why building rapport is important. However, most people fall into the trap of pretending to know or making assumptions based on what we think they might like. The result? Our partners may not be enjoying the experience as much as we think they are, but they hesitate to speak up, either out of concern about upsetting us or because they feel guilty for not enjoying it. This cycle can go on without anyone ever voicing their true feelings and it can take a toll on both individuals.
“In many ways, this situation is like when we go out for a meal – we don’t guess what our partner wants and simply order with crossed fingers. They make a choice based on what they’re craving at that moment, and that choice can vary from day to day”. – Just as our tastes in food change, so too do our desires for sexual intimacy. One moment, we might crave slow, sensual touch; the next, we may long for something more passionate and wild. The key to transforming your sexual experience from good to great lies in communication. By openly discussing your desires, preferences and needs with your partner, you not only enhance your connection but also create an environment where both of you can truly enjoy the pleasure that comes from understanding and responding to each other’s desires – instead of having sex with the mindset that you are there to please the other, you go fully well knowing how to meet them halfway to create a whole, meaning you both own your right to be pleased and simultaneously please each other.
Myth 6 – Masturbation isn’t really sex, its a poor substitute to partner sex: Masturbation or what is referred to in Tantra as “self-love” or “self-gratification,” is often viewed in society as secondary to partner sex – as something that one does only in the absence of a partner. There is a prevailing belief that once we enter a relationship, we should stop engaging in solo pleasure. However, self-gratification is an intimate act with oneself and it should not be compared to sex with a partner, as they are two entirely different forms of sexual expression, each with its own unique value.
Research consistently shows that individuals who engage in regular solo sex – whether they are single or in relationships – tend to experience better overall health, more fulfilling relationships and a greater sense of self-confidence. However, this benefit is most pronounced for those who engage in self-pleasure with mindfulness and presence, rather than relying on external stimuli like pornography. Excessive consumption of porn can erode the neurological connections in the brain, which can interfere with one’s ability to form deeper, more meaningful connections with both oneself and others.
Solo sex is not merely an act of physical release but rather an opportunity for self-discovery. Through it, we learn about our bodies, our pleasure and how our desires evolve over time. By cultivating this self-awareness, we are better equipped to communicate our needs and preferences to a partner, enriching our sexual relationships. The confidence gained from understanding and honoring our own pleasure can lead to more connected, fulfilling sexual experiences with others. Ultimately, self-love is not an alternative to partnered sex – it is a vital aspect (so long as it is not just an escape) of a healthy sexual life that enhances both self-awareness and relational intimacy.
Myth 7 – Sex is about putting on a great performance for the other person/s: That it’s your job to turn the other person on and that you ‘should’ look good or act in a certain way. This belief often comes from the media and how we perceive we ‘should’ be. Sex is about enjoying yourself and your partner/s. Enjoying yourself is to feel free to be who you are in your naturalness and to go with the flow of your body and the experience.
Myth 8 – You ‘should’ naturally produce enough lubrication to have sex: There is a belief that women should always be able to produce enough natural lubrication for sex and if they don’t, either you can’t turn them on enough or something is wrong with them. We’re all unique and just as our vaginas look different, we all produce different amounts of lubrication and that can depend on many things – how aroused we are, genetics, body mass, age, medications and more. A good quality lubricant is an essential sexual aid for women who struggle with lubricating and can help transform their sexual pleasure. All genders can use it, and it’s great to use with a partner and also alone. It can change how you touch your genitals, inviting a more sensual touch and create new pleasurable sensations. With that said, there is a permanent way to encourage the body to lubricate naturally, and that requires the act of self-responsibility for our own sexuality – meaning, be willing to address going into our psyche which is responsible for 50% of lubrication and targeting aspects in our everyday life style (foo, exercise, clothes, even perfumes, stress, etc) which are responsible for the other 50%
Myth 9 – Size matters: Only 55% of men are satisfied with their penis size. Many men worry that they are not wide enough or long enough. Penises in the movies and porn are always above average and men compare themselves to these. Whether you’re having sex with a woman or another man, our bodies internal anatomy is very different. Vaginas and anuses are different widths and lengths and some people prefer short wide penises, others slim penises. A sexual position with one person might be wonderful and not work with another and that’s totally natural. No two bodies are the same and when you come together, it’s about finding out what works for you both to get the best pleasure – this may mean educating ourselves in various positions, as these are not just there to excite but are meant to help different bodies fit better to maximize pleasure.
Myth 10 – There is ‘normal’ sex: I am often asked whether what someone is experiencing is “normal” – whether their fantasies, desires or even their bodies fall within the realm of what is considered typical. Many people worry that if their sexual preferences or expressions deviate from their perception of “normal,” there’s something wrong with them. However, it’s important to understand that sexuality is incredibly diverse, and what is “normal” is not a fixed standard, but rather a vast spectrum of possibilities. With that said, under no circumstances does mental illness (harmful deviant behavior) fit into the vast category of sexual expression.
It is completely natural to have fantasies and desires; they are a healthy part of the human experience. Sexual expression can take many forms, and as long as it involves CONSENTING ADULTS it is valid and normal. What one person finds exciting and fulfilling may not appeal to another – and that’s okay. Healthy sexuality is subjective, deeply personal and uniquely tailored to each individual. There is no singular definition of “normal” when it comes to what turns us on, what excites us or what we enjoy in intimate spaces.
In fact, interests in a wide range of sexual activities – such as role play, kink, bondage, sweet discipline and willfull submission/domination, are more common than many realize. These practices, when approached with mutual consent, respect and clear communication, are a part of the rich variety of human sexual expression. Exploring and embracing your desires, whatever they may be, is not only natural but can lead to a deeper understanding of yourself and more fulfilling connections with others.
Eiros 