Reflection #7: Gratitude

How many times do we go through our day as if on autopilot? How many times do we crave to feel the magick of life yet tune ourselves out from it? We are so eager to “succeed” or to shut out the silence of life that we have adapted no differently than a hamster in a cage—spinning round and round; it acts as if it’s going somewhere yet remains stuck in a cage.

As I sit here, feeling the warmth of the hot cocoa warm my body after a nice evening walk on the snow, I can’t help but wonder, why do we fear the silence of life so much? Could it be we are too afraid to discover we are living in survival mode?… Too afraid to admit that most of us spend barely any time doing the things we love or allowing ourselves to feel all the range of emotions life has to offer. We tell ourselves “there is not enough time” while our mind and soul know the hard truth….we have to make the time.

We live in a society that largely proclaims itself intelligent, yet intelligence isn’t the repeating of concepts with no coherency. On the other hand, we proclaim ourselves “new age positive,” constantly reciting nice words, but are we actually living in gratitude? After all, the first has nothing to do with the second; if it did, we would see a very different society—a stronger yet more humane one.

Gratitude is not the act of denying the emotions we find uncomfortable, for gratitude is not a denial of life but rather the acceptance of the challenges this has to offer. To live in fullness is a challenge in itself, for we live within a society designed to strip us of our most valuable assets: our uniqueness, our passion, our ability to discern when to give love and when to have a backbone, our ability to truly feel, and as such be more humane towards ourselves and others, without losing our inner warrior.

As I reflect on my life and all the reasons I would have to “hate” life, myself and others, I can’t help but accept the fact that I am who I am today partly because of my essence, and partly because of all the things I’ve survived and the mistakes I’ve made. I am far from perfect, but I love this odd, nerdy, free-spirited being that I am. I often think of the quote, “In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.” It is powerful.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I deserved what happened, nor am I condoning or applying a false sense of forgiveness to my life; not at all–I didn’t deserve many of the things that took place, and I have no room for pretending or making up excuses for the atrocities committed by monsters in human skin–. Still, I am grateful to the divine in me and around me, for giving me the strength not to succumb to hatred.

I have learned to stand up without giving my power away through hate. It is not something that happened overnight, I had to work hard to tame, embrace and love the hurt parts of my shadow; at times, I still wrestle with which wolf inside of me to feed; however, more and more I am learning to utilize the strength and determination of my shadow wolf combined with the wisdom of my conscious wolf…. I am loving the results, for I can feel my own magick expanding…and for that I am grateful.

I am grateful to life, to gratitude itself, for the good and the not-so-good. I am grateful to recognize that my story is not the only one in this world, and I can positively contribute, if only in the smallest of ways, by organically changing the outcome of what is traditionally “supposed” to happen to people who have lived through trauma.

Gratitude, I know you know I have many weaknesses and have made many mistakes, but you also know my heart and my motivation. You know I can be stubborn, and I am grateful for it; although at times it makes my life harder, it has also helped provide me with the resilience I needed to be my own warrior.

Gratitude: You know I can get angry and be almost irrational when it comes to protecting those I love. I am human and I hurt, and I don’t like to see people with malignant intent abuse others. Despite my strong demeanor, which at times may scare others, you know I am also someone who is not afraid to be vulnerable; I can say this without any false modesty. I am thankful and grateful to you for making me this way.

I am grateful that you didn’t give up on me when I wanted to give up on myself. I am grateful you loved me when I didn’t feel loveable; thus, you taught me to love unconditionally. I am grateful for every time I stood up after every fall, beating, and defeat, for it introduced me to the warrior within. I am grateful for my essence, for despite it all, I still marvel at the simplest yet most magical things life offers….I am so grateful for that!

I am grateful for every mentor you sent my way, for every “weird” beautiful person who taught me to accept my own “weirdness,” teaching me to let it be a light in a world that is often callous and dark. I am grateful for the gift of seeing the essence of souls and letting them see me; grateful to be the mirror by which many start to wonder “is there more to life?”…so grateful that is one of my gifts.

I am grateful for each person I work with, for they trust me with their most precious assets—heart and mind—and I could not be more honored. I am grateful for every reader of my work who does not give up on me because I am still learning to express myself correctly in this language. I am genuinely grateful for their support.

I am grateful for my loved ones who mean the world to me. I am grateful for friends who have shown me family is not blood, but those who are with us through the good and bad times. I am grateful life taught me that one doesn’t need to have a huge social circle, for what matters is essence, not quantity.

I am grateful to the divine, which I can feel vibrating inside of me each and every day… especially when I dance–it is a sweet fire that invigorates every inch of my being–I am in love with life, and I am so grateful for that.

I am grateful to you gratitude, for existing in this world, for invigorating the soul, and for being a friend to those who recognize your extended hand. I am grateful to you gratitude, for you are the connection between the two wolves, between life’s duality, between the saint and the gentle sinner, between the warrior and the peacemaker….you are sweet balance, and I am so grateful to know you never leave us…you patiently wait for us to turn and say…“I am grateful because despite it all, I get to experience the fullness of life”.   For at the end of the day, no one can stop us from living.

I am grateful to have learned to put more value in my opinion of my life; knowing the motivation in my heart is direct and pure; than to be dependent on what others expect of me – for no one has the power to add or decrease the value I see in my me and my life.  I am grateful because I get to live to own my humanness and wildness while honoring my inner divine, and no one and nothing can take that away from me –  I know when we do acknowledge our light and shadow, you gratitude readily extend your hand to help, to guide…the constant among all the chaos; a reminder that we are more beautiful and more powerful than anything which happened to us–for all of it….I am grateful